I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
