things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
