what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
