so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
