ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
