Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
