dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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