just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
