Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
