I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
