a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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