I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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