So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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