Pants 0. Shit 1.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
he fucked my hip out of place.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
