The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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