he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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