this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
