I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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