there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
