I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
