you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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