I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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