I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
