didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
