so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
