if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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