Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
