I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
