Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
