My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I touched a dick in church today
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
