I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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