my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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