help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
