Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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