Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
