My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
