you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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