Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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