hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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