theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Small penises have feelings too.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
