woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
