M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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