I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
