the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
