If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
