i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
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You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
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I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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