a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
