I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
