are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
