I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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