Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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