Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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