You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I think my moral compass just broke
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
