You smell like a Billy Joel song
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
how do you play pong handcuffed?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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