just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
