i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
