I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
In America we eat man semen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize