I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
